may your Christmas be filled with rage

-sean got lotsa loot yesterday. it's cool to be a kid. but he doesn't care yet. in fact, he cried. lots. all the grandparents were there, wanting to love on him and hold him, and he Wailed. i'm in the kitchen, cooking/plating/cleaning, and all i hear is unconsolable anger from the little one. he calmed down (sorta) when rob or I held him. so perhaps he recognizes his parents. aww. though does it mean we're raising a mama's boy/daddy's boy?
-oh! omgomgomgomg!!!! last night he went 8 hours between feedings!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i am in Shock!! maybe it was all the holiday commotion that tired him out?
-in korea, it's a big deal to turn 100 days old. by golly, we made it! jumping jehosophat yee haw!!!

busy/crazy/rough few days. glad it's behind us!!

friday - went to dentist and the floss naziripped me up. i'm not scared of the dentists as much as i am of thishygeinist. she's scary!! she must have told me 10 times that i needto floss. diagnosis - i dun wanna talk about it. yes, i need tofloss!
friday night into saturday morning - our furnace stopped working. why does it have to happen in the middle of the night, when the tempoutside is in the 30s? i'm sure rob can expound on this. no heat +cold weather + kid factor + middle of night factor = unhappiness.also, heating companies should not advertise 24 hour service if thecustomer calls at.. say 3am and they show up at say...9am. stressfulnight. anyhoo, it seems the heating is stronger upstairs which ilike. yay. me gusta mucho.
saturday afternoon - we didn't think we'd make it but we went to rob'scompany party. despite our sleep deprivation, it was nice. sean got a cute toy from santa. all the kiddos get nice toys - toys that makeadults jealous. sean was fussy but there were lots of kids and theroom drowned him out. ;)back at home - rob gets much needed nap, i pump and feed sean. when idelay pumping, my body punishes me... perhaps the pumping ladies knowwhat i'm talking about. i make food for the next christmas party.sean doesn't eat much and i be exasperated.
saturday evening - small group christmas party. it was adult only,but they made an exception for us. which was very nice but sean waskinda fussy again, and this time there was no hiding. felt bad aboutthat. by then it all caught up to me and i felt overwhelmed and istarted feeling sorry for myself. then i felt even more patheticbecause i was supposed to be happy and festive and the like. it's aparty after all. and i said i'd bring two dishes but we ran out oftime and i brought something totally different. so felt bad aboutthat. then i realized i suck at math and we'd have to check out earlyto feed sean. we were off schedule as it is. i found myself shuttingdown. it's like, i want to be strong/be a trooper for my family butsometimes i feel like the weakest link. also, i really needed to washmy hair. general ickiness from that.
lessons? pace yourself. write stuff down and plan accordingly. never underestimate the power of shampoo.;) buy me floss for festivus. and floss! (x10)

pull my finger

-anyone reading probably has the ability to grab my finger. so...okay. but when the little guy does it, it's pretty cool. it's a new amazing skill for him; something to put on his resume.
-jon and kate plus 8 - twins and sextuplets??? i dunno how they do it. i'm running around like a crazy chick with just one.
-sleeping thru the night --- well, the standard definition seems to be 5 hours of sleep. it's happened a few times. not consistently. sean can go 4.5-5 hours between feedings at night, but that's maybe 3.8-4.4 hours of sleep, which really translates to less sleep for dad or mom. my friends have had their babies (congrats gina and kyu and melissa and wirak! hi kaleb! hi sebastian! welcome to the world!!) and they are in the insane beginning.. i have no idea how we survived that. i know i have a renewed prayer life. ;)
-so listening to Christmas music, i think about mary giving birth in a barn and it icks me out. also, did baby Jesus smile at the little drummer boy really? maybe it was a grimace. :P

2 types

-there are parents who fit kids into their lives, and parents whose lives revolve around the kids. soooo which one am i? heh, i dunno. we'll see. it's kinda hard to leave the house, or maybe just easier to stay in. we're on a feeding schedule of every 3 hours. and i'm doing the pumping thing, so that takes time too. R makes me go places, which is a good thing. this weekend, we went to friends' homes...jen and tyler's dumpling night, and nick and mary's housewarming. it was really faboo to see y'all and to get out of the house. but i doubt i would have gone if i were on my own. so thanks for pushing me. i'm antisocial but i can't always be that way, right?
-not getting the deep sleep because my dreams are bizarre! i'm dreaming about stuff from the past, at different points of my life - like college, the census bureau years, the new carrollton innocent kid years... random things that i haven't thought about in the longest time. as if my life is flashing before my eyes, but in my sleep.
-9 weeks old. whoa!

randoms

-medela breastmilk bags - ugh!! not once, but twice, the bags fell. when you see a puddle of 'liquid gold' on the floor, yes, you CRY.
-sean.. i think... is relatively good. he's good around people. just bad around mom and dad. but when he fusses, OMG is he FUSSY. his feeding is a little sketchy (or it's just me worrying again?) but he looks bigger, definitely.
-i'm sure there's more...oh, his hair is falling out in random clumps. he's sleeping longer at night (*happydance x2394824*) i don't think it's even worth saying "i'm tired" anymore because tired is the new awake.
-the swelling is gone, yay! i was feeling downright skinny, and technically i weigh less than i did a year ago. but the pants from a year ago don't fit. :\ so i guess my proportions are funkily out of whack. these days i look nice and disheveled... pj pants and sweats galore.
-the kid is cute!!! :b

surfacing

life is rough and demanding but getting easier. it's onlycuz i'm such a slacker that i feel this way.i keep going to these race analogies... before (and still) i wasfeeling like there are hurdles, and i keep not jumping/running into them. it mademe question my maternal abilities. aggghhh. really, as long as he'shealthy it's all good. sometimes i wish i had a doula or someone whoknows babies around. i get scared of doing something wrong, ya know?though i could also see myself not liking the interference, too. i'mso hard to please :b it's been a month with not so much adult interaction and i find myself feeling lonely and missing work. i didn't see that one coming. ;)
the other analogy is a marathon. though i'm not sure where the end is.. is it 8 weeks? 12? 16? 24? one year? 18 years? it's thetiredness talking, i think. one day at a time, ooj.
also, my breasts are disproportionately.... just call me the-short-chick-with-the-ta-tas. eeps.

i've been trying for days to compose this, but i all i have is a cliched "where do i begin?" he's amazing, he's mysterious, he's a troublemaker, he's a cutie... life has been a series of feed, change diaper, sleep, (lather, rinse, repeat..) and i hope we're doing okay. makes ya think, why did they let us leave the hospital?? i'm so clueless!! i knew it would be hard but then again, i had no idea. it's love that keeps me going.

blog comes to screeching halt???

i don't wanna bore you with poo, pee, and feeding stories. that's all i got. heh. life's so different. i'm in overdrive worry mode. can't help it!! aggggh...

fatherhood fits rob really well. i get weepy thinking about it. love you, hon.

hi at 2 weeks

just trying to find a routine, but is there a routine? also trying to get Sean to gain weight. these doctor visits and percentile stats get me really stressed out. especially since we're under the curve. pics on flickr

How you met your father

(See below for mom's side.)

Wednesday, 9:00 AM: Joo's weekly OB visit. We're now past due, and Dr. Born (yes, seriously) decides to schedule an induction. She calls in the order while Joo is strapped to the fetal monitor. We guess it will happen the following Monday, since that's Joo's birthday, and her mom's.

"You're going in tomorrow." Uhh... okay, then. Time to finish packing.

Thursday, 7:00 AM: We check into our labor and delivery room. Hospital gown, IV, blood samples. Joo hasn't been a patient in a hospital since... infancy? Still not a fan of the lifestyle. The fetal monitor is hooked up. We'll be hearing his heartbeat all day.

8:15 AM: Dr. Born arrives to break Joo's water and start the induction. Contractions start shortly thereafter, and Joo is definitely looking uncomfortable. "Don't be a hero," the doctor advises, offering an epidural. Joo will ride it out for now.

9:00 AM: My family arrives. They'll be in and out of the room all day.

10:30 AM: The pain is "a solid five". Joo requests the epidural. The anesthesiologist talks her through it while the nurse tries to position her. "Dad, you have to sit over there." Joo is mid-contraction -- a big one -- and they keep trying to tell her to move. I've never seen my wife in this much pain. I can't even hold her hand. This sucks.

11:00 AM: The epidural is now working. Joo will be connected to it until the following morning. She's not cold, but she's shivering uncontrollably. Normal, apparently, but still scary.

1:00 PM: The doctor checks in on Joo again, and decides to put her on oxygen. We don't think a lot about it.

3:15 PM: One of the obstetric nurses drops in. Actually, three. That's different. They turn Joo on her side. His heartbeat slows down noticably. On her back again. Sounds fine. On her other side. Slow again. On her back again. Heartbeat picks back up. A contraction starts, and it slows down again. Two more nurses show up. Lots of chatter. I'm just trying not to be in the way. Now they're disconnecting things. Now they're saying we need to get him out. Now they're wheeling her bed out of the room. Now one of them is shoving a set of scrubs into my arms. What just happened?

3:20 PM: They let me into the OR. Dr. Born fills us in. Labor isn't progressing well, and part of the umbilical cord is stuck in front of (beneath) his head. Every time Joo has a contraction, it's getting squished; oxygen is getting cut off. The doctor tells us we could let the labor play out, but it would be "dramatic". Okay, Joo and I agree. Let's get him out of there.

3:25 PM: Back outside. Joo is getting prepped. Longest twenty minutes of my life.

3:45 PM: By her side again. I can hold her hand.

3:50 PM: "We just made the incision."

3:53 PM: ...and there he is. Joo can only hear him, but I get a peak over the curtain. I get a few snapshots as he's cleaned off and measured, then brought to Mommy.

4:15 PM: I wheel him to the nursery, and he meets his grandparents. Lots of pictures are snapped. He's taken inside for more tests/cleanup. Family is glued to the window. I need to get back to my wife.

4:30 PM: Recovery room. Dark. Silent. Joo is shivering again. She's numb from the chest down. We make a few phone calls.

5:30 PM: Off to our postpartum room. I make a quick trip with my stepdad to get all our stuff out of the labor room. Never recovered: one pair of pink pants. Joo is inconsolable; okay, not really.

8:00 PM: Our son is brought to us, and gets his first feeding. My mom and I change his first diaper. When I say that his feet were splashing in a pool of toxic sludge, I'm really not exaggerating. :)

9:00 PM: My folks leave for the night. Just the three of us now. Okay, we need to give this kid a name.

Back in April -- before we knew we were having a boy -- I dreamt that we had a son named Sean. We collected a list of names over the following months, but I was always attached to that one. And Timothy was always Joo's favorite. We knew it would be those two names; we just didn't know the order. We wanted to meet him first.

Hi, Sean Timothy. This is your family, and you're way more amazing than we ever imagined.